raising girls Archives — Thrifty Mommas Tips

Is Every Step of the Way the Hardest Stage?

Paula — Mon, 03 Dec 2018 13:46:03 +0000

Is every step of the way the hardest stage when parenting? Lately, I ask myself a lot of questions related to parenting teenagers. Like how is this stage even harder than when they were infants? How am I losing more sleep than ever over my kids? Why did I think parenting would be a good idea? How is it possible this is the hardest stage yet? Are you a parent of teenagers? Do you know what I mean? Do you ever ask yourself why did I have kids? Be honest. Of course we love our kids, who are now teenagers. I am not calling that in to question. Many of you, like me, can easily find your inner mama bear when they are targeted or treated unfairly. My inner mama bear is still here, without a shred of doubt. However lately it’s not the world treating them unfairly it’s them venturing out into it making mis-steps, mistakes, while growing up as digital and social media natives, in completely new territory. These days there are a trillion apps, kids live streaming everything and Snapchat is stupid fast, not to mention that it’s how they do everything. Every day is a streak or a filter, or a live stream about nonsense sometimes, if I am being honest. Forget Facebook, it doesn’t provide quick enough validation. And you, as a parent, can preach that everything is permanent on the Internet and socials. Your child’s future college admissions panels and job recruiters will scan every social channel out there, but teens are often too trapped in that Whatever stage to care. It’s slightly ironic to me sometimes that I make a living managing social media for brands and businesses, who listen to my advice and follow it. Yet, my own kids think they know better than me. My warnings to them fall on ears that fail to hear it. Far too often this year I’ve said: – “Don’t post that on Instagram or Snapchat. It’s totally inappropriate. Think before you share!” Here’s the thing. I write about parenting, health, technology, travel and lifestyle issues all the time. But you ought to know I don’t have all the answers. Some days I wish I did. November was one of those months when I questioned all of the parenting knowledge I had and honest to GOD asked myself why did I sign up for this? It was that bad. So bad, one child was grounded until January and lost all electronics privileges. This was November. You should know I never ground because it is punishment for parents. Grounding is the worst possible punishment and it is lame. I do not do grounding. My Mom did grounding. It is a ridiculous outdated punishment. Levelling Up Their Teen Game Two weeks ago I lost about three work days due to teens breaking rules and getting into more trouble here at home than ever before at any stage. Worse than the days when my youngest had zero impulse control and I used to joke that I couldn’t sleep for fear she’d wake up at 4 years old in the middle of the night and I’d find her frying bacon or tap dancing on the stove. Teens possess independent will and they are hormonal and also striving to drive you a bit bonkers on occasion because that is part of their job. Oh, I know they need to create space and distance and all of that. Some days I can easily remind myself they are doing their job right now. Their job is to be abrasive. Prickly. Sort of…but my job is not yet done and their brains are not yet fully developed. I can tolerate teenage rebelliousness. But I can’t handle the thought of raising someone who lies to people, or stomps on their feelings. Right now all of it comes down to: will they grow into good people? Or people who lack empathy and feelings? So much is at stake right now at the parenting teens stage. At least it feels that way as a parent. Surely, I think this teen stage is the hardest stage because mistakes are bigger and have such serious potential to impact futures. It is so very hard to see someone who has been given all of the tools – consistently told to value themselves and respect themselves, from childhood, then turn around and do something dramatically opposite of what you are instilling. Right now, at this stage, more than ever before in my life, I find that I am being tested as a parent. In fact, I have also found myself angrier than ever before at any stage of this parenting journey. More tired, and irritated too. Lately, I open my mouth and my Mother spills out. Me opening my mouth and blurting My Mom: “But, as long as you are living in this house, under this roof you will follow my rules!!” “I am the parent and you are grounded.” “I cannot wait until you have children of your own.” (truly not at all what I am thinking so why did it come out of my mouth.) “If you continue to behave like this I am not paying anything towards your tuition.” Remember These Days… I think I am like most parents out there. Doing my best on any given day and trying not to have a coronary in the process. In my 20s, before I had my kids I thought I had all the answers. And then we adopted our two girls. And life got busier and happier and crazier all at once. Hard as it was when they were little and money was extremely tight, we made it. Mostly I was able to sleep at night because they were happy and healthy except for the earaches and the usual childhood illnesses. A broken elbow here, bronchitis there…a broken wrist…head lice. Oh don’t get me wrong at all. I was awake many nights several times checking their breathing when they were infants and I rarely slept when the youngest had croup, or that time she barely slept for 18 months solid when we were hunting for diagnosis. YEAH, that sucked. To this day I recall that bone wearying exhaustion of her never sleeping. Still sometimes, the promise of life getting easier was enough to get through disrupted sleep, ear infections and money worries. Parenting Teens Comes with a Lot of UGH Moments And it was sometimes easier, occasionally for a time. Then they sprouted into teenagers. Both. Sometimes, we had the best conversations. Me, the Mom, and them as almost adults with developing brains growing into opinionated young adults. Those were enjoyable times and conversations and trips too. We skied and travelled and went to movies together. They made good choices. People said: “Oh what a great kid” and “she has a good heart” and positive things. And Pride won the day and carried me through to the next week or month or year. Maybe you had a similar experience and chuffed or patted yourself on the back for raising great kids. You must be doing something right. Then Snapchat and Instagram and secretive apps ate someone’s brain. Both my girls were excellent at sharing and I used to often hear “OH, MY GOD, MOM do you believe this? Josie (classmate) posted this on her Snapchat!!” Picture Josie vaping, or making out with someone and sharing it on Snapchat. Getting drunk underage, hooking up, posting provocative pictures or hostile captions directed at teachers they did not like. Those moments provided catalysts for conversations on appropriate on line and off line behaviour. We talked about respect and the fact that things on line are never ever private. They seemed to listen and they said all the right things. And then they went and posted something almost as bad as fictional friend Josie did and I found it and blew my top. Red in the face steam coming out my ears. Why? Mostly because I believe both of my kids when they tell me they are following the rules and I do keep tabs on their on line activity. But I let my guard down for a second and that’s how fast it happens. Plus they disregarded the trust I placed in them. Scrolling through her history and messages one day when I discovered her phone left at home, I found a series of lies to different people and some whoppers told to *friends* on line. Hence lost phone and electronics privileges. Yes parenting teens is one of the final stages of the parenting a dependent journey. Obviously young adults still need support too in their twenties often. But the frontal context of the brain is not fully formed until the age of 25, so kids as teens are prone to shortsighted decisions and rash choices at times. Oh I remember well being that age and I was a complete arse until I turned 22 or so. I get it. Grounded This past month has been largely about me watching my teenagers even closer than ever and not believing much of what they tell me because trust is earned and easily tested with lies and half truths. Of all the characteristics and qualities I hold dear as a human, one of the biggest is honesty. From the time my kids were small I went out of my way to be honest. I apologize when I am wrong to let them know I am human and nobody is perfect. Honesty matters. Parenting teens is no picnic. It’s completely awful at times. Lately though I just keep thinking: isn’t it absurd how we tell ourselves at every stage – this is the hardest age ever. This is the hardest stage – infancy, toddlerhood, preschool years, elementary school, tween years and then teenage years. When we are in it we think oh that will be so much easier over there on the other side of one, or three, or seven, or eleven. What a weird parenting coping mechanism. What if every step of the way is the hardest stage? As parents you tell yourself all along the way this is surely the hardest stage of parenting. But then come the teenage years and this is the hardest stage too. So what if it’s all the hardest stage of parenting? What if there is nothing easy ever about the job? If I get them to college or university I’ll be able to breathe again and sleep again, right? What stage are your kids at? Are they grown and flown? Does it get better?

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First Shave – Building Good Hygiene Habits for Daughters #ad #moveslikenoother

Paula — Sun, 12 Mar 2017 20:07:37 +0000

This is a sponsored post written by me on behalf of Gillette Venus. All opinions are 100% mine. First shave. There are so many teen and tween developmental milestones that are tricky areas to navigate. First period, first kiss, first shave, first date. There’s really no rule book for these areas. Even though your girls will probably pretend they do not want to hear any of this information from Mom, it’s important that they learn. I mean everything Mom does or says is embarrassing at a certain point, but still you have to keep the channels of communication open. And it’s important that you help build in some basic good hygiene habits from the start. Make the First Shave a Great Experience The first shave is a MAJOR first. I’m not even joking when I say that my youngest was asking since she was 11 years old. “When should I start shaving my legs?” I repeatedly advised her she was a bit too young to start at 11, but by 12 she didn’t want to wait any longer, so it was time to discuss how to do a first shave and what tools we needed. On the weekend we were both driving to a social event – a bridal shower – together. It was an exciting day and something purely girly. Only my youngest and I were going because my older girl had a rehearsal for her play and was busy. The nice thing about these opportunities is that we have the chance to have Girl Time and one on one GIRL DAY. Yes, we even call it that. After martial arts, she and I tidied up and were preparing to dress up a bit so we had the chance to cover this topic again. Use Shave Gel Always start with a great shave gel and use a moisturizing lotion after shaving. The gel helps eliminate skin irritation, and the lotion keeps skin hydrated and healthy. Luckily the Gillette Venus Swirl has a water activated Moisture Glide Serum making the first shave and every shave thereafter, a gentle experience. That’s important for teens and tweens, and Moms too. You can find more information about the product here – www.gillettevenus.ca Use Warm Water Warm water is best for shaving because it opens the pores and helps with getting a closer shave. After shaving, give a quick spray of cold water on the legs to close all those pores back up. Don’t Buy Into the Waxing Myth Many girls, and women too, think that waxing is the only way to get smooth, hair-free and exfoliated skin. This is a MYTH. And a painful one, at that! If your daughter uses a good shave gel and a sharp razor, she’ll get skin that’s just as smooth and exfoliated without the pain of waxing. Waxing can be expensive and painful. Razors are generally more convenient and affordable. Use a Razor That’s Designed for Women In addition to menstruation and the first shave, part of becoming a woman is developing curves. For a wonderful experience with that first shave and every shave after, our daughters can’t use just any old razor. Women need something that navigates curves without causing pressure, skin irritation, and the worst of all, cuts. The Venus Swirl was made for women and designed by women. Why do I care about that? Women’s bodies are unique. We quite simply shouldn’t be shaving with razors made for men. It’s important to me to support businesses that build their products for women, with input from women. It matters to me as a parent of two girls. If your tween, or teenager, is just starting to use a razor, you don’t want them getting discouraged easily. Good products that work are vital to making sure their first tries at shaving are successful. Venus Swirl pivots nicely to manoeuvre around curves, so your daughter doesn’t have to work too hard. The moisture glide serum also means no irritation during or after shaving. My daughter has sensitive skin so I am very conscious of things that can aggravate her and cause itching or dry skin. I find, when I shave, that the knee, both behind and in front, and the ankle area are the trickiest spots. There are often fine hairs left around the knee area even after a long shave. But that wasn’t the case with the Venus Swirl. No more missed hairs? That’s something to celebrate and share. If I had a dollar for every single time I cut myself near the ankle with a rigid razor I’d have about $100 more dollars than I do today. FLEXIBALL™ technology somehow translated into no nicks or cuts. That’s the way a shave should be. The flexible nature of the Venus Swirl is ideal for your teenager. Whether you have been shaving for 30 years, or are just learning, comfort and convenience matters. The cute design doesn’t hurt either. For kicks on the weekend I tried my current razor on one leg and the Venus Swirl on the other. Then, because the one done with the old razor was still not smooth I redid it with the Venus Swirl. The difference was noticeable. The First Shave Should be Wonderful The first shave is a major rite of passage for our daughters, so it’s important to be sure it goes smoothly… I had to. Make sure she understands the importance of a good shave gel, a good lotion, and the most advanced razor out there, the Venus Swirl. With the best gel, razor, and guidance, that first shave can be a milestone our daughters never forget. One that leaves her with smooth, flawless skin! Follow Venus Swirl on Twitter and Venus Swirl on Facebook too. With so many shaving myths out there, it can be hard to know fact vs. fiction. Check out more advice at Gillette Venus

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Growing Pains and Grace Notes – Raising A Daughter

Paula — Wed, 08 Jun 2016 06:46:55 +0000

Look away if you aren’t the kind of person who likes sentiment. It’s been a long time since I posted one of these stories about my life, my kids, snapshots of us, the Growing Pains and grace notes inside the nutty every day chaos of parenting, and growing youth, not kids, not toddlers, young adolescents. My girls amaze me more than they know most days. Their strength is apparent to me, their Mom, and yet they very often don’t see it themselves. Some strange warped tween and teen girl mirror only lets them see first the tiny little mistakes, then the itty bitty fleeting things that are but a milli-second in the course of a lifetime. A pimple, an errant curl, a dry patch of skin. This, I know well is teen and tween girl reality. I was a teen girl once and I remember time spent agonizing over tiny, meaningless, things. Things that weigh nothing when you hold them. Things that cannot be held or hugged or loved. I now know though that these are not even a drop in the bucket of lifetime memories. The other day my beautiful oldest girl asked me as I dropped her off at high school: “What university do you think I should go to?” I wanted to say the one right here. The one that lets you stay here in our home for longer. Instead I did that Mom thing I do where I think first of her and second of me and say: “Ottawa has an amazing bilingual program. Guelph if you truly want to be a veterinarian. Here, if you want to be a teacher because the teaching course here is one of the best.” I add: “Of course there are no bilingual programs here. If you really want to keep your French language skills then Ottawa might be the best option, and it is such a beautiful city.” And my high school freshman disappears into the school where she spends so much of her time growing her brain, her social circle, becoming all she is meant to be. I am left sitting thinking HOW is it possible a life speeds by this fast? How is it that children defy laws of the universe, breaking barriers of sound and speed, battering a parent’s heart into a different shape. Sometimes Moms get growing pains too. I dreamed of a baby for so long and then she was there and I spent entire seasons just taking pictures, back in the day before digital photography. Lying beside her on the living room floor shooting pictures on an old Minolta, later to be developed at the local drug store or Costco across town. Every event, every milestone captured in triplicate. First time she reached for a sip cup. Then first roll over. First bike. First day of school. When I close my eyes I can easily find grade nine awkwardness hidden in one of the regions of my brain. That 14-year-old girl in limbo feeling, of where am I going, what am I doing and why can’t I get there faster? I was that girl. I couldn’t get out of high school fast enough. I read everything I could regarding university. I planned, charted and read. Then I studied university catalogues, both as my nighttime reading material and my dreamy afternoon go to escape. If I wish to be a doctor, I will go here. If I choose to be a lawyer I will go to Toronto area and get into law school and if I want to be a journalist Waterloo then Conestoga College, Ryerson, maybe? Mapping my future out daily, I knew just how it would happen. AND I knew I’d make it happen. My older daughter is not quite there yet and I thank God for that. We are mostly comfortable. Spacious home, a pool in the yard, a room big enough to dream in and things to do in the meantime. Homework, martial arts, school, babysitting, singing, theatre. So many trips I still hope to take with my family now, and maybe later too, when she is my grownup daughter headed towards a life with her own family. So many moments right now feature this leading lady Independence and her understudy Teenage Stubbornness. New milestones to meet every week. Sometimes I see results of hard work and parenting and the many sleepless nights. Sometimes I wonder, I hope and I keep repeating the rules, the goals, the lessons hope she takes with her for a life beyond this van, this city and this home. Growing Pains There are still a lot of things I want to say to my daughter. I wish you’d stayed small a bit longer. I wish I’d been able to pick you up into my arms and carry you from the car to your bed at least a dozen more times. Wish you’d fallen asleep curled up on my chest weeks longer. But I’m also happy you grew, learned and walked on time. I hope you know endless, unconditional love is here in my arms and my heart for you, as long as I am alive and then some. Some days I wonder who feels growing pains more? The mother or the daughter? There are days when you are gone to school, like today, when I swear I can see the future and I start to miss you already before you are even gone. If I had your ear all day long I would tell you this: Stop, Feel, Breathe, Take some time just to be, Taste, Love, Hug More, Draw, Kiss, Hold Hands, Hold on, Dance, Twirl, Laugh, Read, Giggle, Travel, But Always Come Back, Believe, You are more than enough, Ignore Pimples, split ends, boys and girls who do not get you, Be Loud, Be Proud, Be Brave, Be Careful too when the occasion demands it, Be Smart as You Already are, Be Creative, Trust Me When I say that you will be my daughter even when you can’t see me, Sing, Let Your Voice Run Free, Because it is a Gift, Remember to Be, Just Be, And Be my girl as long as you can.

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Face Time and Weird Conversations You Never Dreamed You’d Have #Teens #tweens

Paula — Thu, 16 Apr 2015 23:56:54 +0000

This is another entry in the ongoing teen/tween mama diaries. Life is never dull with teens and cell phones. Raising digital kids is a special kind of universe. I heart my beautiful kids. But they also drive me around the bend regularly and sometimes on purpose, I think. I strive to not be mental from it, and yet there are days when I look in the mirror and think who is that frizzy-haired, wild eyed maniac mom looking back at me. Then I realize it’s me and start thinking up ways that I can get back at them when they are dating or getting married. My husband already has started this process. I kind of heart that. The other day for instance daughter was face timing a boy who face times her all the time (Not a metaphor for anything else. They are both iPad obsessed, Youtube loving little oddballs.) and husband starts talking way too loudly almost yelling. He is not, for the record, a loud talker. He is generally a calm character. Husband: “Ainsley,” Her: “Daaaddd, shshhshshshshsh…I am on the iPad.” Husband: “Turn it off. It’s almost dinner.” Her: (rolling eyes I can almost hear in the office.) Husband: “Now. Turn it off. It’s almost dinner and the table needs to be set.” Her: “Stop!” Me: “Hey dude we don’t do that. Parents don’t yell when their kids are on their cell phones and iPads Unless they want them not to have friends EVER.” Husband: “Who is she talking to?” Me: “Jack, her friend. He’s a BOy-y-yY!!!” (Same friend she literally just left at school like one hour ago. That part makes me a bit batty.) Husband: (at this point I think I see a glimmer of something mischievous in his eye): “Get off the phone. Get off the iPad. Stop face timing. It’s dinner.” Me: (shoots evil eye) “Did you not hear me? She’s talking to a boy. You are going to scare her friends.” Husband: “Excellent. That’s the plan. That means he won’t come knocking on the door any time soon.” Me: OMG the teenage years should be fun.

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