2015 Family Travel Reflections: Or That Time I Found Myself Crying as We Set Sail #travel
I am standing on the deck of a massive cruise ship tearing up when I realize 2015 might have been more challenging than I ever admitted.
Sometimes this family has to stop, drop everything and hop on a cruise ship, or visit an island resort. Family travel is as crucial to us as getting the flu shot, or getting vaccinations, or filling the fridge with food. I know every parent has moments and most parents also deserve a big fat vacation occasionally. Parenting is hard work and when you have a job outside of that, it is also exhausting. Now add demands of special needs parenting to that equation. Together that formula is enough to tip the scales into depression, divorce, illness, disruption. That’s not where I want to end up. So we travel. There’s other stuff we do too in order to maintain sanity and health. We work out often and strive to eat fairly well. But family travel is the place we go when we are done with the rest of the world and simply need to be a family. Period.
2015 was a good year, but it was also way more challenging than I ever stopped to notice. I recognized that we were worn out and stressed out back in October and I knew we needed a break. When I see myself and my husband both transformed into dead exhausted, sleep walking, almost depressed, irritable, cranky, grumpy, drained and really ineffective parents then I know we need to find a way to get away. For most parents, taking a break is vital to being healthy, mentally and physically. I also know many can’t afford the luxury of travel and believe me I know we are fortunate that we can. I would sell our second vehicle and walk everywhere for months if it meant we got a week away together. Family travel time is that important to us. I also wrote about family travel as respite earlier this year.
I also know the statistics. Over 80 % of special needs parents get divorced. We get sicker faster and more often. In this house I also have Crohn’s, so I need to try to maintain some healthy habits as a foundation for my health too. We lose our short term memory often due to chronic stress. We also burn out. We give up. Some quit. Studies have been done linking special needs parenting to post traumatic stress disorder. Results of those studies have equated this experience parenting to be on par with living in a war zone. That SHOULDN’T be the case in Canada where we preach tolerance, human rights, and support and equality. But we are not statistics. We are a family on a cruise ship. One of the happiest places on earth. We are setting sail – it’s the embarkation party. Why am I crying?
This is my Christmas present to all of us. Holding a novel in my hand watching the horizon retreat. Scoping out which lounge chair I will choose. One of my daughters is holding my other hand. Another has found her people already. Same girl who worried she wouldn’t meet any kids on this trip. We have been on the boat for about 2 hours and she’s taking names and text numbers.
My worrier races away from the lounge chairs to start dancing happily, with the cruise director and a bunch of strangers. As if she didn’t have a care in the world. This is the child who spent the past 11 months limping. Same girl we spent the better part of the year carting back and forth to the hospital and specialists, fighting for a CAT scan for what everyone thought was juvenile arthritis.
To my right, I spy my younger daughter jump in a hot tub, beaming at me from the deck. My busy, sporty, active 11-year-old who hit puberty with a vengeance this year as she entered grade 6. The girl we are always fighting for services over. She is happy and calm and thriving right here, right now. (I often wish I could raise and educate that one on an island.)
Sometimes I think every special needs parent who survives September, June and December should simply be able to take a cruise or hop on a plane for a week at a resort. Special needs parenting is rewarding and wonderful and all those cliches, but it is also the most draining experience advocating for services into a void all year long. I summed it up here last year in a post about special needs adoption. I also talked about some of the agonizing over choosing a high school for my older daughter too.
Here we are, I think. I wonder how long I have been holding my breath. And I bite my cheek hard to keep the tears from spilling all over. Emotional leakage.
Adoption disruption happens all the time. People don’t keep stats on that. We will not be that family. Our family is forever. But I know exactly how it happens.
Special needs kids and special needs parents can be excellent at developing coping mechanisms. Mine is working until I am ready to drop, so that I cannot waste time stressing out over the latest service failure, or the awful inadequacies of systems that are supposed to help parents raising kids with special needs. My last work quarter was insanity and this year some of the clients I worked with ended up realizing goals we have been working on together for 3 years now. That was exceptionally gratifying. I have escaped into that work. I can escape a million times a day in my strategy and my writing.
I love what I do for a living and I love my family. I work hard to keep both strong and successful. This year I worked hard. We all did. This year we also travelled a fair bit. I did some travel blogging and occasionally we ended up on a trip together, but those are working trips with social media promotions, posts, tweets flowing out of them. This is our trip. Our time together enjoying each other without homework battles, doctor’s appointments, show week, lessons, IEP meetings, arguments with anyone.
At one point on this trip my daughter asked is this a work trip, like for free? My husband blurted: No, this is a trip that was paid for by the fact your Mom has worked 24/7 for the last six months. Fair enough.
So why am I crying?
I’m crying because we are here. Because my kids haven’t been carefree in months. I’m crying because we are lucky, and fortunate to be parents. Because sometimes I still miss my Mom. Because the year went fast and I am excruciatingly tired. Because a trillion small things need to be done the week before family travel. Because I built a business that is this successful that we can travel together when I think we really need to. Maybe I’m crying because juvenile arthritis didn’t win this round and Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder won’t either.
Robin (Masshole Mommy)
I think you are amazing. You are doing your best and that’s all you can do!
Thanks for sharing your story. Parenting is hard, especially if you have a chronic illness and special needs children.
Lois Alter Mark
Sending you a big hug. I can’t imagine the challenges you’ve gone through, and I hope the trip is everything you hope for.
I”m cheering with joy for you that you’re able to celebrate this wonderful vacation together! I’m so, so happy for you. You deserve this work-free break!
I can appreciate the connection you made about parenting special needs kids and PTSD. When my son, who has autism, was younger, it was the most stressful time I have ever lived through.
Oh honey. So beautifully written. Every mother understands. I know that you can never be right unless the girls, and the whole family, is right. It’s just the way it is for moms. I’ve cried a lot, too. My grandmother used to say that women live longer because we cry 😉 I’m so glad you won some big battles this year, and I hope 2016 brings you and your family great things. xo.
Thank you Dani. I hope that is true. I cry so much since becoming a Mom. BOY that’s one I never saw coming at all. It was a great cruise.
I think you’re doing a great job as a parent. It’s not an easy job, but it’s all worth it.
Wow. This looks like so much fun. You are a very motivational person. Thanks for sharing your story. Enjoy your travels.
Thanks for sharing your story. 2015 was also a trying year for me, but I look forward to a better 2016.
This year was tough for us as well with my Grandmother passing away from a battle with Pancreatic Cancer and 2 sick animals that we had to put to sleep. I never realized how much stress I was under until it was no longer there. Of course I miss them all, but I am ready for my kids to have some undivided attention from their parents.
Lots of positive vibes to you! I’m glad you focus on positives, it’s been a rough year for a lot it seems. Focus on the positives, it will be a much better year !!
Travel have always been like breathing to me. Now I can’t do it for a while and I miss that so. happy New Year to you.
You deserved to go on this great trip with your family. You were so busy in 2015 you definitely needed the break. I am glad you had such a great time.
You are an amazing mom and your kids and hubby knows this! Crying is good it cleanses the soul so have at it! I too feel really drained from the lat year and I wish my family could afford a cruise lol Maybe next year?
It sounds like you deserve the trip and hope that your stress has found another home and it is not yours. Parents have so many things on their plates now days and a cruise is one way to refresh a bit.
Parenting is definitely hard work so never be too hard on yourself. It’s wonderful to reflect on these moments as the years pass.
Mama to 5 BLessings
Thank you for sharing your story. Traveling with family is definitely a special time to create memories, I hope you have many more of those.
You are just amazing & yours is such a wonderful story to read & get inspired. I think we all try to do our best to our kids & we do face lot of challenges all through our journey for sure.
Sometimes it’s good to know our limits and recognize that we need a break. I’m cheering you on for an amazing 2016 and even more moments of rest and relaxation for your sweet family.
I’m so happy that you shared your story. My oldest son has ASD and sometimes my days are very challenging. Everyone needs a break and I’m glad you went on a cruise. I would love a break too. We are saving for a trip but right now we can afford one.