Watching your child navigate the world with a heavy heart can be one of the toughest parts of parenting. Eventually they all hit an age where life stops being all about playgrounds and starts being about performance. That shift can be jarring. For many families often, and indeed for ours, age nine seems to be a significant turning point. This is the point often when little kid worries transform into something more complex, often peaking during those high-pressure teenage years.
This was definitely the case in our family. I’ve written about our struggle with childhood anxiety before here several times. Our story was published in Today’s Parent several years ago. Over the years, we spent many hours working through cognitive behavioural therapy, art therapy, play therapy, talk therapy and more. With medications, therapy and physical tools, we are finally in a much better space. But it took time.
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Pause the Panic Card Deck
Our kids struggle with separation anxiety and general anxiety disorder. Panic and anxiety attacks were a thing we dealt with on the regular. School was frequently where the panic manifested itself and where the anxiety spilled over. Relationships, grades, future planning all made my daughter’s panic and anxiety worse. Thankfully for a bit of time she could rely on a resource social worker (high school) who seemed to understand anxiety.
Tests and Exams
Performance starts to be a huge part of daily living for almost every high school student. Sure some sail through without a whole lot of worry, but few escape completely unbothered by grades, post secondary planning and even choosing a career.
One of the most intense arenas for the anxiety/ panic struggle is testing and the school exam. While a little bit of “healthy stress” can sharpen focus, for a child with anxiety, an exam isn’t just a test of knowledge—it feels like a threat.
Why Exam Season is a Perfect Storm
Exam anxiety is a unique beast because it combines several “triggers” into one high-stakes week. The buildup is a lot and around here there are also several periods of standardized tests for EQAO. The what if I fail worry is often a near constant thought.
There is the fear of the unknown: What if the questions are impossible? What if I study the wrong thing? Then, there is the physical toll. Anxiety doesn’t just live in the head; it lives in the body. By the time a teen sits down at a desk, they might already be dealing with a racing heart, shallow breathing, or a stomach in knots.
When the body is in “fight or flight” mode, the prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for memory and logic—effectively goes offline. This is why a child can study for hours and then feel like their mind is a total blank the moment the paper is turned over.
But What If?
Exam anxiety makes everything feel urgent. Your brain shifts into “what if I fail?” mode.
Your body reacts like it’s danger – even though it’s a test.
These cards help you:
- Slow your breathing
- Narrow your focus
- Move from panic to action
- Handle one question at a time
Finally, there’s the weight of perceived expectations. Even if we tell kids that “grades don’t define you,” they are living in a culture that often suggests otherwise. For a teenager, the pressure to succeed can feel overwhelming.
What Actually Helps?
Moving through these years requires a toolbox that focuses on regulation rather than just “studying harder.” Here are a few strategies that can shift the energy:
- Normalize the Physicality: Help them understand a racing heart is just their body trying to give them “extra energy” for a challenge, rather than a sign that something is wrong.
- The Power of Small Windows: Encourage 25-minute study bursts followed by 5-minute movement breaks. High-intensity anxiety thrives on long, stagnant stretches of time.
- Control the Controllables: Make sure the night before involves a set routine—laying out clothes, packing the bag, and getting enough sleep. Reducing “micro-decisions” in the morning saves mental energy for the test.
- Grounding Techniques: Teaching a child how to physically ground themselves in their chair can stop a panic spiral before it takes over.
A Thing We Do Here
One regular thing that helps my older daughter is a grounding technique that involves the senses. There are many ways to do this one but basically it requires the person to pause and find something you can see, touch, hear, smell and taste. You can 5,4,3,2,1 it or do 3 of each or we’ve even done a single one for each of the senses. (Five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell and one that you can taste or do three of each see, touch, and then deep breaths.)
Both of my kids are constantly working on anxiety and the tools that help them both manage symptoms are always evolving. Anxiety over a lifespan changes as you grow. Lately, with some support from medication and the constant toolkit that we have always had since 6-8 years old, we have a better grip on symptoms.
I mean this current timeline is actually a hard one for every single person at every age.
Introducing: The Pause the Panic Card Deck
We know that in the middle of a “brain fog” moment, a child isn’t going to remember a 20-minute lecture on mindfulness. They need something tactile, quick, and easy to follow.
That is why I am sharing the Pause the Panic Card Deck. It’s a printable resource designed specifically for those “red zone” moments. Each card features a simple, science-backed grounding exercise or a cognitive reframe a student can keep in their pocket, pencil case, or taped to the front of a notebook.
Give them back a sense of agency when they feel like they’re losing control. While you can’t take the exams away, you can give them the tools to walk into that room feeling a little more steady.
