On the Move Series – Losing It and Where are my Pants?
This week has been all about pants. Metaphorically, and literally too. See, I think the week took a turn for the worst when I couldn’t find my pants. My pants have gone missing. Decluttering is well under way and we might have been a bit aggressive packing. My jeans, my winter wardrobe largely packed away. My big girl business-y clothing with pants.
I have chosen this experience, eyes wide open. Moving house is not easy, under the best of circumstances. Yesterday, I spent a whole morning really crunching numbers with a bank I will not name. No problem. I have no bank loyalty when it comes to mortgage. The terms of my old mortgage run out this coming week and I have been shopping. I’ve done some research and legwork and am full tilt ahead. I will happily play banks against each other and then I will also pull in brokers and get the best deal for my family. I actually like that part of it. Because the bank works for me, when it’s my money.
But yesterday stunk. I had inappropriate Lululemon gear on because I couldn’t find my pants. I assumed this was a meeting to discuss final details. Because I have packed three quarters of my clothing, I couldn’t find any other pants to wear _ literally. The painter was here for a large part of this week and I got no laundry done since I didn’t want to step in paint every time I hauled the laundry basket downstairs. So I went to the bank in Lulus. Not a power outfit. Mistake number one. Then fancy bank manager man came into the office with my mortgage consultant and explained that self employment is risky. Because I didn’t know that? Because I haven’t proven month after month that I pay my bills, save, give them money and business, invest, pay contracted employees and have many relatives at same bank. And I haven’t built an extremely successful business by myself in my 40s with two kids. So there was a wee bit of a run around and I was a bit unhappy when I left that interaction. In the end I think we are seeing eye to eye on numbers but we’ll see. As I said no loyalty. I am comparison shopping for a bigger home that will fit this sprawling business Thrifty Mom Media, social media consulting. I can afford pants. I just can’t find them.
Then today I headed off to see my regular financial advisor here to ask for advice on a couple of things. I discovered that while I was letting business grow, my regular advisor went on maternity leave, so I got a virtual stranger. I walked in and he literally stated: you have no accounts with us. Clearly I am not an idiot and we do. Then he showed me how all the mutuals we currently have are listed in spouse’s name and stated: We can’t talk to you about those because they are his. I pushed. Today I had pants on because I could find one clean, presentable pair this morning. Everything on this earth that my husband and I own together is owned together. Joint assets and 50/50 etc. But I was virtually blocked at the door and really mad. We exchanged words. Eventually the secretary popped her head in and advised substitute person that I have trading authority on everything. But the relationship and conversation were, at that point, beyond fixing.
So while I was sitting there having an aneurysm, losing work time, texting my husband who was by then also losing his mind angrily texting back: “That makes no sense.” and “We hold every asset jointly.” and “Tell him we are done with them.” etc.. every single one of my major purchases in life as a married person came back to me. And I realized that, with exception of my first mortgage, every last one of these purchases or interactions has been like this, despite the fact that our assets are joint, and despite the fact that I have often throughout our marriage made way WAY more money than my husband, and despite the fact that I am the one who makes almost all the decisions. Flat out. If you know my husband you know I might once in awhile consult and run things by him, but I am the negotiator and the one who finalizes all the purchases and deals. It is, at times, actually maddening. But it also works when I need to get something done fast.
You know that antiquated expression who wears the pants in your family? We both do. But if we are talking metaphors – it’s me. I wear the pants. I just can’t literally find them right now.
Are you a woman? Have you had a negative experience with someone while making a major life purchase?
This is my series about moving with my family. My first post is here.
Paula, I can so relate and yes I have, and if you are still comparing call Marcy Berg, at mortgages for women, as far as I know she has always found the best rates for everyone she deals with.
Hollie: I don’t know why I never thought of Marcy. Slipped my mind entirely. Great idea. Thank you.
I can so relate, and if you are still comparing give Marcy Berg a call, at mortgages for women she is known for finding the best rate there is.
Are you sure you’re not me?
Like you, I do all the banking, all the negotiation of rates and like you everyone always refers to my husband as the ‘owner’ of accounts etc and fails to see that I have authority on all accounts. A question…why do banks feel the need to put the husband first on everything even when you tell them you do all the banking/negotiation?
Talk about taking a step back into the past…..
Nancy, nancy. I think we were separated at birth.